11 October, 2017
Why is it so challenging for us to develop productive and meaningful approaches to conflict when conflict, in varying degrees, is something we live with daily? Conflict is a normal and inevitable aspect of our lives that can be a stimulus for positive change, and yet, the language we use in describing conflict increases the likelihood that we will adopt strategies that will, prolong, ignore, or even have the effect of escalating the conflict. If we change our language, we discover a radical new way of thinking about and addressing conflict.
Three words that are commonly associated with the word conflict are prevention, resolution, and management. When we talk about conflict as something to be prevented, resolved, or managed, the image we create is something to be impeded, avoided, suppressed, and confined. From this view of conflict, we might internalize narratives such as, “If you don’t have conflict now, then you need to make sure you don’t have it ever,” or, “If are you in conflict now, then you need to fix it, or confine it to minimize its impact.” The language we associate with conflict has two effects.
First, the language as described above reinforces prevailing negative associations and attitudes that conflict is something painful and undesirable. While this might reflect what we experience when we are in conflict, it ignores a fundamental truth about conflict. Conflict is a natural part of human interaction. It is likely that we all have experienced conflict with a romantic partner, a family member (parent, child, sibling), a coworker (colleague, boss, subordinate), a neighbor, and a friend. We experience conflict in every arena of our lives, and if we have interacted with other human beings, then we likely have experienced conflict. If we view conflict as only negative, then we treat it as something undesirable and avoidable, and we deny its inevitability. Whereas if we acknowledge conflict as normal and inevitable, then we can learn to integrate it into our daily lives and leverage it for positive change.
Second, our language encourages us to develop unhelpful approaches to conflict. When we treat conflict as only negative and as something to be avoided, we subsequently develop strategies to ignore and deny the existence of conflict, rather than dive in and confront what needs addressing. If we think of conflict as something to be fixed, then we might rush to a resolution without giving full attention to the various dynamics fueling the conflict. If we treat conflict as something to be suppressed, we might encourage conversations to include as few people as possible, ignoring others who are directly or indirectly affected by the conflict. To change our attitudes and approaches to conflict, we first must change our language.
Conflict Engagement
If the language of conflict prevention, conflict resolution, and conflict management encourages unproductive attitudes and approaches to conflict, then conflict engagement may offer a different, and immensely more useful, way of thinking about and approaching conflict. So, what does it mean to be engaged? Current academic research points to a three-pronged definition of engagement. To be engaged in something means to be involved, energized, and enthusiastic. To be involved means to actively seek opportunities to perform the task, and to do the task whenever it requires being done. To be energized means to be motivated or incentivized to perform the task. To be enthusiastic means to be excited by the task, to look forward to it, and be passionate about it. If we apply these concepts to conflict, we are presented with a radically different conflict philosophy.
To be involved in conflict would mean to seek opportunities to enter challenging or difficult conversations rather than avoid them. It would mean acknowledging when conflict exists, and looking for ways to unpack the conflict in collaboration with others who contribute to or are affected by the conflict.
To be energized by conflict would mean to be motivated by the positive benefits of addressing conflict head on. Conflict often becomes destructive when it is ignored or when we apply hurtful or damaging conflict strategies. However, when we take part in meaningful dialogue, and seek to understand others involved, working through conflict can produce clearer shared understanding, deepened relationships, and innovative solutions. If we focus on these positive aspects of being in conflict – without ignoring the difficult and uncomfortable aspects of being in conflict – we are more encouraged to step into hard conversations and work toward shared goals.
To be enthusiastic about conflict would mean to feel enough of a sense of competence and confidence in our ability to productively work through conflict that we are willing to initiate what might be a conflict conversation. Unfortunately, although we have lived our entire lives in conflict, most of us have an underdeveloped conflict skill set. Cultivating enthusiasm for conflict engagement would encourage us to strengthen the skills and strategies we bring into conflict conversations.
Refreshing our language from conflict prevention, resolution and management to conflict engagement gives us a new template for our attitudes and approaches to conflict, and provides a shift that will help us acknowledge conflict that already exists, step into conflict more willingly, and develop a more effective set of skills to help us navigate conflict. This month, as we celebrate conflict resolution month, let us also focus on new directions for our field of practice.
Rick Buccheri
Director of Programs
23 August, 2017
Having been a mediator for nearly eleven years, I can’t say that I have seen it all, but I’ve certainly found myself amid plenty of intense conflicts. I’ve sat calmly at a table while people a foot away from me stood screaming into each other’s faces, or pounded on the table hard enough to lift it off the ground. I’ve witnessed people sit silently and then suddenly explode into wild expressions of emotion. Over the years I have observed and learned. I can mostly predict with accuracy when someone is about to escalate, and can point to what triggered the escalation. More importantly, and eminently more useful, I have also learned how to deescalate people. The questions of what makes someone escalate and makes them deescalate can both be answered with another question, “Does that person feel heard?”
My mantra is that people will escalate if they do not feel heard, and will deescalate if they do feel heard. If someone is getting louder, repeating themselves, or using increasingly destructive methods to get their point across, it’s because they don’t feel heard.
Mostly, when we listen, we listen ineffectively. We try to make certain that we understood what has been said, and that we have the facts straight, but the most well-trained listeners fall victim to confirmation bias, where we listen for information that confirms that narrative we have already created in our own minds. We frequently listen ineffectively because we filter out information that doesn’t fit our narrative, and we either narrowly focus on or even add information that confirms what we already believe. Truly effective listening happens in three stages:
1. Loosen your grip on your own story – You must be willing to acknowledge that your own version of what happened, is happening, and will happen might not be the true story, the only story, or the whole story. Stay open to new or missing information, and information that counters what you already believe.
2. Accept the other person’s story as equally true as yours – Rather than trying to assert your version of the facts, or disprove the other person’s story, accept their story as the truth. If someone says, “you disrespected me,” and you believe you did not disrespect them, and it was certainly never your intent to do so, rather than disprove them or argue back, allow their reality to coexist with yours. Allow the possibility that you did disrespect them and then dig deeper into their story. What did you do that they perceived as disrespectful? What impact did their feeling disrespected have? What could have been done differently that would have made them feel more respected?
3. Listen so that the other person feels heard – Pull out key information from what the other person has said, and repeat it back either verbatim or in your own words. Ask yourself, “what do they want me to hear and understand?”
Effective listening is a power tool in deescalating strong emotions, and fostering shared understanding. The next time you find yourself in conflict, follow the three-step process to hone your effective listening and de-escalation skills.
Rick Buccheri
Director of Programs
17 August, 2017
Listening or active silence is like a “wonder drug” for communication. Staying silent but attentive to conversations, staying curious and asking questions to draw out others and clarify meaning, and sharing our own views as a reflection of what has been said, opens new possibilities. It helps people feel their contributions matter, conveys respect and respect builds trust and trust is the currency of our relationships.
It can be very hard to keep our thoughts to ourselves in a high-pressure exchange of ideas. Often there is reward in being the first to say something important or to be the one credited with the best idea. AND it can just be hard to do: Many of us like to jump in the fray; some of us may be impatient as the conversation veers too much from the points we think are important; and lots of us don’t like the awkwardness of silence. Here’s some food for thought as your organization sets goals and implements strategy to Work Better Together:
A typical study points out that many of us spend 70 to 80 percent of our waking hours in some form of communication. Of that time, we spend about 9 percent writing, 16 percent reading, 30 percent speaking, and 45 percent listening. Studies also confirm that most of us are poor and inefficient listeners. Listening is a skill that if practiced and honed will lead to better relationships.
01 August, 2017
In this quiet month of August, it’s a good time to reconsider the art and practice of listening. Let’s kick it off with a proposal to update the phrase “Active Listening” to “Deep Listening” or listening to understand. This differs from the transactional way we too often listen when, rather than hearing what a person actually means to say, we add our own meaning to what we think they mean to say.
Remember the exercise often used in communication skills training when one person speaks for 2 minutes and the other listens without speaking. They’re then asked to report on their experience as the person listened to or the person listening. The first time I did this exercise, I was amazed at the direction the speaker took. I was sure I would have altered that direction had I commented or asked questions. I learned something I would not have learned had I interjected during that few minutes and they reported feeling listened to.
As a coach, we learn to both stay curious about what we’re hearing but not formulate questions or direction as our client is speaking. What’s cool about this is that we not only learn from the person speaking but they are learning too and revealing directions we can then help them see and follow.
“Active Listening” is so important that this is the reason I propose a rephrase. The phrase has become so overused that often people who must communicate well for their jobs know what they are supposed to do and many believe they already do it. If we talk about listening differently, it can help people reconsider what it means to listen to understand and help those who need to be understood feel listened to.
26 June, 2017
ADR Vantage, Inc. has an immediate opening for a Business Development Manager in Washington, DC with a background in professional services, preferably Organizational Development, Conflict Resolution, Training, Coaching or related. We are committed to our mission of helping people work better together, and our new team member must share the same passion for our mission, be proactive, entrepreneurial and a self-starter motivated to make sales as well as possess exemplary relationship-building, communication (written and verbal), networking, negotiation and project management skills.
Position Overview: The Business Development Manager position is a “hands-on” role – responsible for helping us expand our clientele and revenue sources through identifying, developing, and implementing an effective sales and marketing strategy. The primary goal of this position is to drive sustainable financial growth through maintaining a robust sales pipeline and maximizing available resources and tools.
Essential Job Functions:
• Develop a growth strategy and set goals based on our core competencies and desired prospects that focus on financial gain, diversification of client base and customer satisfaction.
• Build long-term relationships with new and existing customers, potential partners and industry representatives.
• Conduct research to identify target markets, customer needs and industry trends.
• Draft, manage and present proposals for contract opportunities.
• Implement marketing/sales activities, arrange business meetings with prospective clients and partners and negotiate opportunities.
• Screen potential business deals by analyzing market strategies, deal requirements, business potential, and financial cost-benefit, and make recommendations for investment of resources.
• Close new business deals by coordinating requirements, developing and negotiating contracts, and integrating contract requirements with staffing and business operations.
• Protect organization’s value by keeping information confidential and representing our brand faithfully.
• Continuously update job knowledge and knowledge of our services by participating in educational opportunities, reading professional publications, maintaining personal networks, participating
in professional organizations, etc.
• Enhance our reputation by accepting ownership for accomplishing new and different requests and exploring opportunities to add value to job accomplishments.
Required Skills/Qualifications:
• Proven sales planning, prospecting, marketing and closing skills
• Demonstrated ability to meet sales goals and produce sustained revenue growth
• Exceptional presentation skills and ability to sell to the customer’s needs
• Demeanor that is energetic, professional, & pleasant combined with exceptional communications skills
• Bachelor’s in business administration, marketing, an industry relevant field or equivalent experience
• HR, OD, ADR, EEO, ER, and/or training knowledge strongly preferred
• Previous government contract and proposal writing experience strongly preferred
To apply, send a statement demonstrating why you’re a good fit for this position, a current resume, a writing sample (5 pages max), and three references. Email applications to workbetter@adrvantage.com with the header “Business Development Manager” by July 17, 2017. Incomplete applications will not be considered. No phone calls please.
23 June, 2017
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Carol Dweck’s Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, and what it teaches about the role of mindset in our embrace of the new, sometimes hard, and always unknown of transition. Those are the very conditions that often trigger a fixed-mindset in which it’s easy to feel challenged, threatened or confronted with something we don’t know how to do or don’t want to do.
I have distinct memories of making decisions that were outside my comfort zone that have paid off time and time again over my life, like the time I decided to leave a job and move cross country, sight unseen with no job and no existing network. – So, I have a “growth mindset” right? But not so fast – I have many more memories of having to make a change for which I felt unprepared. “Isn’t there a way I can avoid it? If not, how will I be able to explain it when I fail? Maybe this is good time to go out for ice cream.”
What I appreciate about Dr. Dweck’s research is that it makes clear that while some of us may have been born with more of a growth mindset than a fixed one, or vice versa, most of us draw on both and both serve a function. The key is to recognize, especially when the fixed mindset is limiting our progress, and to learn to remain in a growth mindset when most challenged or faced with set-backs. Instead of giving up we learn from it and make intentional decisions.
I was reminded of this just today when I learned that I lost a competitive assignment. I could indulge this discomfort of rejection or focus on the future, learn what it means, and take action. What does that work really mean to me? What will it take to develop, apply myself and become a more successful competitor? Maybe I’ll decide I should apply myself in that direction or maybe to different kinds of assignments. Both outcomes are products of a growth mindset, as long as I’m open to the lessons it teaches.
Different circumstances trigger a fixed-mindset for different people. As practitioners, we can help our clients come to recognize their triggers. We can use Dr. Dweck’s 4-step journey as a way to support our clients exploring what happens when they are triggered and how to learn to remain in a growth mind-set. It’s like core-strengthening for success. With awareness, recognition, and exercise, we have greater tools for embracing and thriving during stressful situations such as transitions.
June is a great month to consider what tools, techniques and insights we can offer clients to support their growth while in transition. Read or reread Dr. Dweck’s book, learn about and remind ourselves how our mindset affects our success in transition.
Dianne Lipsey
President
06 June, 2017
Change isn’t necessarily hard. That might sound counter to common knowledge because we’ve all experienced change that feels grueling. Even changes that are well-conceived strategic initiatives are met with opposition and resistance, resulting in protracted implementation phases. The pain point in change is usually not in accepting the new, but in letting go of the old. No matter the change, whether adapting to a new process, taking on a new responsibility, or roughing it through yet another reorganization, we all have routines and identities that are disrupted by the change. Even positive changes, like accepting a promotion, require us to let go of habits and customs that we have developed as part of our role. It might be easy to learn a new process or skill, but it’s much harder to shift from feeling like an expert to feeling like a novice, or shift from feeling eager to contribute to the team to being relied on as the team leader. Moving through change means bringing proper closure to our old identities and roles. A simple process can help you shift through a challenging change.
1. Review what you are holding onto. Pay attention to what you like about how things were before. What was working well already, before the change?
2. Retain and document the practices or values to carry over as you shift into a new role or process. What part of your identity do you want to retain as you enter a new way of being?
3. Release what you want to permanently let go of. Not all behaviors or attitudes will serve you as effectively after the change than before it.
4. Ritualize the transition. Ceremony is an important feature of smooth transitions. How will you mark your departure from where you were to where you are going?
24 May, 2017
“It’s amazing what you can accomplish if you don’t care who gets the credit.”
The quote above is likely advice meant for leaders. It has been attributed to two U.S. presidents, as well as several religious leaders, and one author. Since its source can’t be proven, whoever said it first clearly followed their own guidance. But leaders should care about who gets the credit. Engaged employees are both intrinsically and extrinsically motivated, and when extrinsic rewards cannot include monetary gains, informal recognition plays an important role in keeping employees motivated and engaged.
“A simple thank you would be enough.”
Like the other quote, this one can’t be attributed to any one person. It has been repeated by employees in organizations across the country. Whenever I ask employees, “What are some actions your immediate supervisor can take to recognize your work in a meaningful way?” they always list a thank-you as the first and most important action. A simple thank-you can make employees feel valued because it lets them know that their work is recognized and appreciated. It is worth considering how that thank-you is delivered.
Some employees might appreciate a face-to-face thank-you, finding value in the interpersonal interaction. Others might prefer to receive a card or note, something they can read in private. A public thank-you, at an all-staff or town hall meeting, might bolster some employees’ spirit, while a private thank-you might be better suited for employees who shy away from the spotlight. While thanking the whole team at the same time promotes a collaborative culture, if the contributions of each employee was critical, or if their contribution were not equal, it might be best to thank them individually.
Another consideration is the size of the task performed. Effective leaders find ways to thank employees for small tasks as well as large accomplishments. Employees who feel like their daily work is appreciated are more likely to step up when more is needed from them than employees who feel like their work is only appreciated if they go beyond what is required of them every day. Lastly, it lets employees know what they are being thanked for. Naming specific behaviors that were effective or productive encourages employees to continue practicing and performing those behaviors.
“It’s nice to get a ‘thank you’, but a pay raise really tells me that you like what I’m doing.”
Not all employees will be satisfied by informal recognition alone, and most employees will eventually expect a monetary reward for consistent effort. Spot awards, cash bonuses, and time off are all ways of keeping employees motivated in the short-term when promotions and in-position increases are not available.
Whether formal or informal, recognition is a key element of effective organizations and recognizing employees increases motivation and helps keep employees engaged. Organizational leaders should be ready to give employees credit for their efforts at every opportunity. Find a way to recognize and show appreciation for your employees today to discover what you can accomplish together.
Rick Buccheri
Director of Programs
01 May, 2017
Public Service Recognition Week (May 7-13) leads off the month; Memorial Day (May 29) caps it off; and a tribute to our teachers (May 9) and mothers is in between (May 14). What a great month to reflect on how we recognize the contributions of the people who work with and for us!
The benefits seem obvious and the effort seems like it would be easy. Research shows that employee recognition programs reduce turnover, improve the workforce culture and performance and recognition reinforces why we do what we do — to make a difference for our clients and our employers.
In this time of spare budgets and unparalleled pressures on our military, public servants and employees in many sectors, here are a few tips to upping your commitment to employee recognition.
1. Empower employees and managers to design a multi-part program – some offered spontaneously, based on specific achievement, and some to recognize a sustained contribution, such as quarterly performance measures.
2. Make the criteria clear and eligibility available to all.
3. Make the recognition public. Whatever the actual award might be (and it doesn’t have to be large), acknowledge the achievement in public – preferably in person at an event such as at an all-hands meeting.
4. Make the recognition as close to the achievement as possible.
5. With or without a specific recognition program, always remember to say “thank you.” When someone has done something well, been especially helpful, and/or made a conscious effort to contribute, a sincere “thank you” goes a long way.
25 April, 2017
What image comes to mind when you hear the word “resilience”? Perhaps you think of a plant growing from a crack in the sidewalk or a bouncing ball or a tree bending in the wind. These are common images associated with resilience and they focus on its often undervalued gifts – the ability to effectively handle demands, overcome adversity, rebound, recover, adapt…
The image that comes to my mind when I think of resilience might seem a bit odd in comparison – I picture a glass vase that has accumulated thousands of microfractures. Perhaps this is my image because I’ve spent some time on the wrong end of the stress curve struggling with burnout. Much like with a stress fracture to a bone, the microfractures are not a result of one big traumatic blow but rather a gradual stacking of responses to less traumatic demands that are not given the time and opportunity to repair. The vase spidered with cracks is my reminder to repair the cracks along the way.
No matter whether your demands are big or small, short-term or long, personal or professional, finding space to repair is vital to sustaining resilience – this can be especially hard in the modern world where we constantly push ourselves to do more and always be available. You needn’t carve out a week for a meditation and yoga retreat though if that’s not your thing. Just as stressors can be small and cumulative so too can acts of resilience. Take a moment to consider how you might incorporate more acts of resilience into your life using the three Rs.
• Relieve – If your stress levels are too high, devote some time and energy to relieving that stress. Think about what works for you – maybe it’s spending time alone in nature or playing your favorite sport or socializing with friends or meditating. Taking a moment to breathe deeply, stretch, laugh or connect with a friend/co-worker are also great ways to incorporate acts of resilience into your day.
• Reduce – If your stresses are too many, devote some time and energy to reducing them and practice setting boundaries. Take an inventory and then ask yourself for each one – Is it important? – What would happen if I eliminated or delegated it? – Does it further my goals? Saying “No” can be challenging for some but effective boundaries can keep you from taking on too much. Identify the boundary you want to set, communicate it clearly, be consistent in using the boundary and be prepared with how you will respond when others attempt to cross the boundary. Remember too that stress reduction doesn’t have to be planned – choose in the moment to simplify, take a shortcut, or accept someone’s offer of help.
• Reframe – Often you don’t get to choose which stressors you get or when they happen or for how long. You can choose though how you think about and respond to the demand. Determine its value, give it meaning and consider alternative ways to interpret the demand that serve you better.
Shayne Julius
Director of Operations
