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3 Tips to Help You & Your Organization Manage Conflict Right Now

70% of workers claim that right now is the most stressful time of their entire professional careers. A global pandemic, working from home, virtual classrooms, and an uncertain economy are all contributing factors to these high levels of stress. Higher stress levels combined with social distancing and remote communications can also lead to a greater likelihood of conflict in the workplace.  In fact, when your workplace is less office and more computer screen, it can cause employees to either avoid conflict all together or escalate minor disputes into even bigger conflicts. In the long run, both conflict avoidance and conflict escalation are bad for the health of individual workers and the overall health of any organization.

When it comes to managing workplace conflict right now, here are 3 tips that can help:

• Encourage a culture of feedback. Make positive and constructive feedback the norm in your organization. Encourage employees and managers to offer kudos to one another in meetings, online and in front of others. Everyone likes to be valued and appreciated, so speak up when you notice someone doing something well.

At the same time, it is also important to encourage constructive feedback not constructive criticism.

Criticism is focused on someone else’s faults or problems and is typically concentrated on past behavior. Feedback still involves evaluating performance or behavior but, it also includes helpful information or data to assist with improvements for the future.  Constructive feedback is about supporting personal and professional growth and not about personal attacks or verbal assaults. If employees feel their style or work performance is being criticized, they often shut down or become defensive. The last thing they want to do is listen to suggestions from someone else on how they should change. So, the trick is to focus your feedback less on a negative view of the past and more on the positive ways to improve or adjust for the future.

• Allow space and grace. Stress, fatigue and uncertainty can all lead to less than perfect communication and a strain on workplace relationships. When we are working from home and on our own, we miss out on our usual water cooler conversations with co-workers, shared coffee breaks, and the other typical ways we would connect and bond with colleagues when we are in-person. This lack of connection also leads to less outward focus and a more inward, and often narrowed, view of the world.

We can start to let the little things get to us, assume bad intent when none is there, or just forget that everyone is struggling right now and we could all use a little of what I call “space and grace.” Space and grace is all about the extra time, energy and patience it may take to allow others around you to make mistakes or take a little more time to reply to your emails or just to work at pace that may be different than your expectation. That doesn’t mean that work won’t get done but, it does mean understanding that life is very, very different for everyone right now and we all need to remember to support one another as much as possible.

• Listen More. Ever heard that old saying “we have 2 ears and one mouth so we should use them in that ratio?” In other words, it can be valuable practice to listen more and talk less. The idea is that effective listening can go a long way in helping others feel supported and to feel heard. When employees feel supported and heard research tells us that employee engagement and retention increase. So, doing something as simple as making time to really listen to others – without offering our input, suggestions or comments – often promotes understanding and decreases the chances of misunderstandings, miscommunication and other mishaps turning into major workplace conflicts.

One way to listen more is to try using the 70/30 rule. The 70/30 rule has been applied to business tactics (effective salespeople let the client talk 70% of the time while they only speak 30% of the time), to wellness goals (70 % of the time is spent on healthy eating and exercise with 30% of the time for more flexibility) and even to finance (to build personal wealth use 70% of your income for expenses and 30% for savings). The 70/30 rule also applies to listening and can be used for any conversation where you want to build rapport and achieve more effective results. Try it in your next one-on-one discussion with an employee or in your next team meeting. When others are given the space to share, and someone is there to listen to them less than talk at them, you’d be surprised at the results.

Tara B Taylor, MPA
Managing Director

How Taking a Detour can lead to Greater Fulfillment in Your Work

My 7-year daughter has a good friend who lives right up the street.  Since this friend lives so close, my daughter and I will often walk her home when they are done playing together at our house.  We usually take the same short route to her house but, last night when we were walking her home, it had just rained and we decided to take a short detour to avoid some big puddles along the way.  To our surprise this new route led us to the perfect spot to see our first fireflies of the season lighting up the evening sky.  The girls were delighted and took turns yelling and pointing out each new flicker of light to each other.  It was a great reminder to me that taking the path less traveled can bring new adventures and unexpected joy.

As restaurants and stores start to reopen and many employees begin to return to offices it can be tempting, and even comforting, to try to return to “normal”.  But maybe normal wasn’t working for you.  Maybe normal wasn’t inspiring you.  Maybe normal isn’t the place you want to return to at all.  If doing the same thing, following the same pathways, and thinking in the same old ways wasn’t getting you what you need to feel exited and inspired by the work you do, now is the perfect time to try something new.

In fact, research show that taking detours can lead to innovation, ingenuity and finding unconventional solutions to our biggest challenges.  I’m not saying we all have the luxury to quit our job and jet out into the unknown to find greater meaning in our lives (although by all means, go for it if you want to make that happen!).  However, I am suggesting that sometimes we need to re-examine what we want for ourselves to find the work that brings us true joy and fulfillment.  And maybe, just maybe, we should take a path less traveled once in a while to find something new and beautiful that we didn’t know was out there!

Tara B. Taylor, MPA
Managing Director

From Repetition to Resolution

Do you ever feel like you are caught in a conflict cycle with someone else?  You keep having the same argument, or the same thing is repeated, over and over again with no way out?

Conflict resolution practitioners know that when someone keeps repeating themselves – mentioning the same issue, retelling the same story, or circling back to the same detail – something important is getting missed.  In fact, in a conflict situation, saying the same thing again and again often means the speaker feels unheard or unacknowledged and is probably also unwilling to effectively collaborate on resolving the dispute in that moment.

Here at ADR Vantage, we have found there are at least three effective techniques that you can employ to help shift from repetition to resolution, to respond to and manage conflict more productively.

• Start Focusing on the now. When in conflict, it can be tempting to either get stuck talking about the past (past wrongs, past history or past mistakes) or to rush towards the future (quick fixes, easy solutions or escalating frustrations).  When you are in the middle of a dispute, it can be particularly challenging to stay in the here and now and really listen to what someone is trying to tell us.  One thing you can try is setting aside the urge to resolve the conflict in that moment and focus more on the quality of the conversation itself.  In essence – Listen more and talk less.  You can do this by ask open-ended questions that invite the other person to tell you more about how they are feeling and what impact the situation has had on them.  At least for the moment, make it more about the way you talk to one another and less about where the conversation will end up.

• Offer Acknowledgement. When someone keeps repeating themselves it is typically a sign that they don’t think you really understand or value what they are telling you.  And, as humans we all have an innate desire to feel heard and appreciated.  So this can be the perfect time to slow down, listen to understand where the other person is coming from, and genuinely acknowledge what they are saying.  Try saying, “Thanks for bringing this issue to my attention.  It sounds like you are looking for more communication from me when we have a project deadline” or “You’ve mentioned this incident a few times, tell me more about what happened”  or “I appreciate you coming to me.  What else do I need to know about this situation?”  Acknowledging someone else does not mean you have to agree with them.  It’s really about showing the other person that you see them and want to hear their perspective.

• Get Curious. It’s so easy to assume we know what someone else is thinking or the best way to resolve a situation.  In fact, when conflict is really intense, it’s difficult to make space for new information or new perspectives.  If you keep hearing the same thing from someone else, it may be a good time to stop and think to yourself “what don’t I know?” Consider asking some open-ended questions that invite the other person to tell you more.  Maybe there is something you don’t know, maybe they can share another perspective or maybe it just helps to spend a few minutes listening for what is most important to the other person.  If you can convey genuine interest and curiosity about what the other person is thinking and feeling, it often de-escalates tension, allows the other person to feel heard and ultimately, that person may be more willing to start listening to you.  Try asking questions that start with “who, what, where, where, how” such as “What happened the last time this problem came up?”, “Where can we get more information?”, “How do you feel when that happens?”, “How would you like to see this resolved?”, etc.

A great colleague and friend of mine at ADR Vantage, Inc., Rick Buccheri, says that when someone is repeating themselves in a conflict situation, they are giving you permission to address that topic or concern.  So, if something is important enough to them to keep coming back to it, it should be important enough for you to address.  The next time you are in a conflict situation, try the above-suggested techniques to help move you from repetition to more productive conflict resolution!

Tara B Taylor, MPA
Managing Director

Mini-Breaks are the New Thing!

The phrase “let’s take a break” has vastly different meanings to different people.  For some it may mean a quick stand and stretch break at their desk or a pause to grab a second cup of coffee down the hallway.  For others, a break means going for a long walk, playing a video game or talking to a friend.  For however long and for whatever you choose to do, most of us would agree that taking a break constitutes some sort of stop or interruption of our current activity to allow for rest and refocusing.  Unfortunately, in the work environment, and especially for those working from home right now, taking a real break may seem impossible.  Constant virtual meetings, demanding kids, shared workspace, and other stressors are causing many of us to crave break time like we crave our favorite dessert treat!

But taking a break is not impossible and in fact, it probably takes much less time and effort than you think to enjoy the benefits that come from allowing time to refocus and recharge.  A study in the journal, Cognition, found that “even brief diversions from a task can dramatically improve one’s ability to focus on that task for prolonged periods”.  This study and many others argue that after long periods of high focus or simply doing the same uninterrupted task over time, we become “habituated to the feeling and the stimulus” and it no longer registers with our brain in the same way.

Think of the first few weeks someone wears a new wedding band.  They notice the feeling on their finger all the time.  They may even take the ring on and off trying to get used to the new sensation.  Then, after a while the body stops recognizing the feeling of the ring and the person can almost forget they are wearing it at all.  Perception of the sensations fade and the body essentially stops being aware (or becomes “habituated”) of the feeling.  This is the same with long periods of work.  Our brains start to lose focus and our performance also tends to decline.  In fact, our brain starts to register the constant stimulation of the work at hand as less important and less valuable.  And that’s not good for anyone!

So, how can we stop this “habituated” response that has us tied to our work while our focus and energy wane away?  Our brains are wired to recognize and respond to change, and it only takes a few minutes to help re-set and refocus attention.  It’s all about disrupting the activity cycle – taking an intentional pause in the activity (work) at hand, giving space to quickly do something else, and then resuming the activity. So, when you are confronted with a longer task (e.g. writing a report, sitting in a long training, researching for hours online) it is critical to build in mini-breaks that allow your brain to pause, shift away and return to the task more refreshed and ready to be productive.

The following are just a few ideas for mini breaks:

• Walk up and down the stairs 3 times in a row
• Fold 5 pieces of laundry
• Listen to your favorite song
• Do 10 each of push-ups and sit-ups
• Walk to the end of your hallway, block or driveway
• Eat a snack
• Drink 8 oz. of water
• Write a thank you note or email to someone
• Do a 3-minute standing stretch
• Wash your hands and put on lotion
• Step outdoors and take 5 deep breaths
• Close your eyes and count to 20 before opening your eyes again

Beyond the breaks, try these creative ways to build in more intentional pauses to your day:

• Try setting your online calendar’s default meeting setting down from 1- hour to 30 or 45 minutes.
• Tell colleagues that you will participate in meetings or calls with audio only unless video is specifically requested.
• Carve out a protected hour or afternoon once a week where you don’t schedule any meetings.
• Institute “Freedom Fridays” where everyone on the team gets 1-hour to themselves for no meetings, no calls, and no expectations to allow for individual self-care.
• Limit the number of people who have permission to add items to your calendar.
• Set up your own 10-minute morning or afternoon brain break. Label that time as “busy” on your calendar and make it a point to leave your desk to refuel your body with a snack, a breath of fresh air or whatever else helps you refresh.

And if you are working from home more lately, check out terrific ideas here for creative virtual training and meeting breaks.

Tara B. Taylor, MPA
Managing Director

Worst Practices in Workplace Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion: Seven Things to Avoid

Not all diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) training efforts are created equal.

While recent events have prompted many organizations to focus on improving their DEI efforts, these initiatives often fail over the long term. They sound good and they’re well-intentioned, so why aren’t they more successful? In this final installment of our series, we asked our three experts to weigh in on the most common mistakes and pitfalls they’ve encountered in implementing workplace DEI initiatives and how employers can avoid them. We’re pleased to bring you insights from Ms. Tara B. Taylor, MPA, Managing Director of ADR Vantage in Washington, DC; Mr. Mauricio Velásquez, MBA, President of the Diversity Training Group (DTG) in Herndon, Virginia; and Ms. Jaye Holly, MS, of Jaye Holly Consulting in Albany, New York.

Denial still runs rampant.

“In many cases, even amid the current focus, denial plays a role in the failure of DEI initiatives,” says Mr. Velásquez. “Individuals who are ignorant of their wrongs may not be concerned enough to want to discuss them or learn from them.” Ms. Holly has also encountered forms of denial. “When people tell me, ‘I don’t see race’ or  ‘Gender doesn’t matter to me’, they think they’re being sincere, but the fact is, we all have biases and we all judge others,” she says, “The goal isn’t to sweep it under the carpet but to bring it out into the open.” Ms. Taylor agrees. “People often say, ‘I’m not racist. It isn’t me who’s the problem.’ But if you witness injustices and you don’t speak up and actively work to be part of the change that’s needed, you’re complicit. And that makes you part of the problem.”

The company culture doesn’t support diversity initiatives.

“DEI efforts are sometimes relegated to boxes that need to be checked off,” says, Mr. Velásquez. “They’re developed to comply with corporate governance and self-regulation. In these situations, the workplace environment isn’t founded in diversity and there’s no real interest in making it so, but someone in a position of authority says, ‘Hey, we should have diversity training.’”

There’s a lack of measurement.

To assess the effectiveness and impact of any DEI program, a baseline needs to be established. “Where are you now and what do you want to accomplish?” says Ms. Taylor. “If an organization is seeking to increase its non-white employee percentage, for example, they need to start by analyzing their entire recruitment process. If they find the number of minority applicants is low, it may be an indication that something is making these candidates feel that they wouldn’t be comfortable working for that organization. Further exploration is needed to determine what’s causing the disconnect—whether it’s the lack of diverse representation on a company’s website and social media pages, the job application that lacks inclusive and non-binary gender options, hearsay about the company, a lack of people of color in leadership positions, or something else.”

The employer oversimplifies the process.

“When they’re properly executed, DEI initiatives are raw, emotional, and very complex,” says Ms. Taylor. “People often don’t grasp how involved the process is. They’ll ask me to send over a PowerPoint or draft an email to address their problems.” She adds that to be effective, DEI programs must be fully funded and supported at all levels of the organization, not handed off to HR or a group of volunteers. “Employers who say they value DEI need to commit, fund, and support the ongoing work that’s necessary to derive the results they’re seeking.”

The status quo is king.

“They may be well-meaning, but employers can be misguided in their approaches and outdated in their ideas,” says Mr. Velásquez. “There’s an underlying assumption that the employees targeted by DEI programs must somehow change to fit into the workplace culture, rather than trying to determine how the company culture should be adjusted to better suit everyone.”

The homogenous, one-size-fits-all workplace is a thing of the past.

Initiatives solely designed for cultural competency are no longer enough. Rather, the focus must be on creating a tapestry of differences that honors all people and seeks to maximize their full potential and enhance their workplace satisfaction.

Article reposted with permission from The HR Team https://bit.ly/35LrkeT 

Emerging Trends and Opportunities in Workplace Diversity, Equity & Inclusion

Recent events in America have revealed a chasm that’s existed for hundreds of years: systemic racism.

To address it, many organizations are attempting to create stronger diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) change agendas. We’ve asked three experts to weigh in on recent trends they’ve seen in workplace DEI initiatives and the steps companies can take to enhance their efforts. We are pleased to share the insights of Mr. Mauricio Velásquez, MBA, President of the Diversity Training Group (DTG) in Herndon, Virginia; Ms. Jaye Holly, MS, of Jaye Holly Consulting in Albany, New York; and Ms. Tara B. Taylor, MPA, Managing Director of ADR Vantage in Washington, DC.

It’s a defining moment in America.

Across the board, there’s a movement to create workplace cultures and policies that better support equity. “The need has always been there but what’s happening right now is different,” says Ms. Taylor. “I’m seeing a dramatically renewed focus on DEI and companies are realizing they can’t just talk about change. They have to ‘walk the walk’ to retain their employees, customers, and investors. This is not just something for the current news cycle.” Ms. Holly agrees. “People are rising up in record numbers. They are energized and passionate, and the positive momentum is astounding. I believe we are giving birth to new possibilities for the U.S.”  Mr. Velasquez says he knows we’re on the precipice of major change because he’s being barraged with questions from current and prospective clients. “CEOs are coming to me and admitting that their DEI efforts have been neglected,” he says. “They’re hungry for direction. They want to know how they can be intentional with their efforts. They’re looking for a path to reach a desired future state, and that’s a great first step.”

Business leaders are realizing they need to educate themselves on the nuances of DEI.

There exists a broad spectrum of levels of understanding, but across the board, executives are becoming more earnest about their learning. “Clients who are just beginning their DEI work may be looking for basics like guidance regarding inclusive language or how to set the stage for meaningful conversations among employees,” says Ms. Taylor. “Organizations that have been on board with it for some time might need suggestions for how to retain and more deeply engage a certain segment of their workforce. It depends largely on the company, but leaders are becoming aware of the need to invest in DEI.” Mr. Velazquez says he has seen denial replaced with acknowledgment. “I used to encounter plenty of skeptics, but not anymore. Clients are telling me that frank conversations are needed within their organizations, and they recognize that they don’t know where to begin.”

Those who were once restrained are now stepping into the spotlight.

Another surefire sign that change is real is when those who are notoriously reticent to take a stand begin to do so. That’s precisely what Ms. Holly has experienced with many of her non-profit clients. “They have worked hard for years to create powerful DEI-centric policies and procedures within their organizations, but they didn’t want to speak out. Now, these same folks are championing the diversity cause and taking that message beyond their business walls. They’re even asking what else they can do.”

Our experts have this advice for organizations seeking to enhance their DEI initiatives:

Diversity efforts must be all-inclusive.  While much of the recent focus has been on racial inclusiveness, diversity in the workplace doesn’t stop there. “It needs to include everyone, and that extends to identity markers such as gender, age, ethnicity, sexual orientation, disability, religion, and more,” cautions Mr. Velasquez. “The senseless murders of George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, Rayshard Brooks, and countless other African Americans have rightfully propelled race to the spotlight. But it’s important to remember that bias, discrimination, and marginalization can occur in many ways.”

DEI efforts need to be visible and supported. To ensure that the initiatives and efforts are sustainable for the long term, business leaders have a responsibility to treat them with reverence and emphasis. “Make them a core business practice, not some peripheral side option,” says Ms. Taylor. “To elevate DEI work in the organization, leaders must provide an appropriate budget and level of resources to adequately address the resulting issues and opportunities.”

Find opportunities to build bridges. “In America, we love to talk about our independence, but we focus so little on our interdependence,” says Ms. Holly, “In reality, we are all connected and we need each other. True greatness comes from unity, not isolation.”

Article reposted with permission from The HR Team https://bit.ly/33npcr1.

Words and Phrases that Transform Conversations II

Words That Generalize

Word choice is often discredited as a major element of good communication, in favor of other elements such as body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. But the words you use play a crucial role in causing and in resolving conflict. If you introduced your friend to a colleague by saying, “This is my best friend,” it would likely be met with a very different reaction than if you said, “This is my idiot friend,” even if you delivered your introduction with the exact same body language, facial expression, and tone of voice. In essence – words matter.

In fact, there are certain words that can play an outsized role in causing conflict and they mostly fall into one language category. Words that generalize often create or escalate conflict. These troublemakers distort the truth by taking information related to what is happening in this situation and applying it to all situations.

Example: “always…” / “never…”

“You always criticize me.” or “We’ll never get through this.”

A frustrated manager might declare, “you always come in late,” to an employee who showed up late to work today (or even several times). Even if the truth is that the employee did arrive late today and has arrived late three times in the past month, when the manager says, “you always come in late,” what they communicate is, “you always come in late, every single day, and you have never been on time, not even once.” The employee will then likely react to the word “always” by defending their own actions and providing every example of when they did arrive to work on time. So, “you always come in late,” escalates conflict and likely shuts down the communication between the manager and the employee because it is not true. It is false or exaggerated information, packaged in inflammatory language like “always” and “never.”

If the manager’s goal is to instead focus the employee on the topic at hand – the employee’s attendance – then it is much more effective to omit generalizing words like “always” and “never,” and to instead stick to the facts. Saying, “You’ve been late three times in the past month,” is much more likely to keep the conversation on a productive track because it avoids blaming the employee for being late on days when they were, in fact, on time. Additionally, the employee is less likely to feel defensive because the facts of the situation, that the employee was late three times, are clearly stated and provide a basis for discussion.

Example: “All” / “Every” / “Any”

“All politicians are corrupt.” or “Every manager here only cares about performance.” or “There isn’t any money in the budget for this.”

Just like always and never, words like all, every, and any escalate conflict by generalizing information beyond the current situation. Someone might declare, “All politicians are corrupt” and there are likely many who would disagree with that statement. There are countless examples of politicians who perform with integrity, yet the message received is, “all politicians, throughout history, in every office and in every country, are all corrupt, and not one of them has behaved ethically.” The word all does not even have to be used to communicate the same thing. If someone said, “politicians are corrupt,” then the listener would likely infer that corruption applies to all politicians, and likely would not ask in return, “to which politicians are you referring?”

Declarations that use the words all, every, and any are often untrue, as in the example, “Every manager here only cares about performance.” This statement ignores the fact that some managers might also care about things other than performance and that some leaders may prioritize many other employee qualities just as highly as performance.

Phrases like, “There isn’t any money in the budget for this,” might be based in truth, but still limit options in a way that is unrealistic. There might be practical limitations to the budget, but saying, “there isn’t any money,” discourages exploration, when, there might be some money available or other creative ways to explore options that don’t tap into dollars and cents.

As a best practice, it is wise to avoid words that generalize. They distort the truth, create confusion, and can put people on the defensive. Instead, focus on the facts of the specific situation by starting with phrases such as, “In my experience…,” “I’ve noticed that…,” and “The facts of this situation are…” Because words do matter, it is important to choose them carefully.

Rick Buccheri
Director of Programs

Breaking the Brainstorming Habit

When I first became a trained mediator in the mid-90s, brainstorming was all the rage. Management journals touted the benefits of hosting in-person, group brainstorming to promote creativity in organizations.  Leadership associations sponsored trainings on how to lead visual brainstorming activities in meetings.  In fact, mediation course curriculums always included a robust section on assisting disputants to verbally brainstorm to help resolve their conflict. I loved it!

As a self-described extrovert, I love anything that helps me to visualize a problem. So, I was naturally drawn to group brainstorming techniques – writing colorful lists on a white board at the front of the room, shouting out project ideas in team meetings, and the back and forth energy of collaborating with others in the moment to build from one idea to the next. Brainstorming became my favorite new habit. In fact, it came so naturally to me that I never stopped to consider the notion that some people might not love the idea of sharing their ideas out loud or may not do their best thinking on the spot. I also didn’t consider that perhaps group brainstorming isn’t the most effective way to innovate or to reach true consensus when faced with a conflict.

Decades of research actually show that traditional brainstorming methods are often unsuccessful. In his Harvard Business Review article, The Problem-Solving Process that Prevents Groupthink, Art Markman states that when people “start throwing out ideas, they actually come up with fewer ideas overall and fewer novel, actionable ideas than the individuals in that group would have come up with had they worked alone.” When one person throws out an idea it tends to influence the thinking of others in the group in ways that make everyone start to think similarly to one another. Thus, limiting the framing of the conflict and often then limiting the creativity of possible solutions.

One way to avoid this “groupthink” tendency, is to maximize the time individuals have to work independently on resolving a conflict situation. Start by having each person work on their own to draft a list of possible options for resolving the problem at hand. Then share those lists with others on the team, so each person can still work on their own to respond, add to or edit the list. At this point, everyone is still working on their own rather than in a group setting and has a better opportunity to build on each other’s ideas without being influenced by the group. Once everyone has had a chance to generate their own ideas and independently respond to the ideas of others, you can bring the group together to discuss the options.

Group brainstorming isn’t necessarily a bad habit. It can still be a fun way to build team rapport and energize a group, but it may be best for deciding something simple like where to go for the next office lunch.  When it comes to big team decisions, tough office conflicts, or other problems that require next level innovation, try giving independent time to think to each person on your team and you’ll be more likely to maximize creativity and outcomes!

Tara B. Taylor, MPA
Managing Director

Words and Phrases that Transform Conversations

Language is a key factor in both causing and resolving conflict. A useful phrase that helps resolve and reduce conflict is “Can you help me understand”.

Example: “Can you help me understand how you think that would help our reputation?”

It is all too easy to attack another person by asking why. When another person does something you do not like or don’t agree with, you might feel the urge to bombard them with questions like, “Why did you do that?” or “Why did you think this was okay?” or “Why should I trust you again?” This interrogative approach can make the other person feel like they are in the spotlight and on trial for behavior that they may or may not even know how to explain.  When you use why it tends to put the other person on the defensive and shut down productive conversation instead of building better communication and a collaborative relationship.

We’ve found that a much more effective approach is to start with the question, can you help me understand, as in “Can you help me understand what motivated you to do that?” or “Can you help me understand what led to that decision?” Rather than demanding a response and setting up a one-way exchange, the way why questions often do, asking “Can you…?” invites the other person to say more and sets the stage for a more collaborative discussion. Professor Paul Argenti from Dartmouth College’s Tuck School of Business states that “authentic communication requires curiosity and empathy.” Even when you are frustrated by another person’s actions or can’t possibly understand why they are acting a certain way, it always benefits you to initiate a conversation with curiosity and a genuine openness to understanding. People want to feel heard and be understood and asking a question from a place that invites that understanding can make all the difference in whether you will have a quality conversation or just more defensiveness and frustration.

Notice how the question also encourages collaboration by defining a role for each of you. Their role is to help you, and your role is to listen for understanding. This makes it less of a one-way exchange, and instead demonstrates that you share responsibility in the discussion.

The phrase, “Can you help me understand,” also helps equalize the relationship. The other person did something that you do not like so they might enter the discussion feeling that their status has diminished. When you put them on the defensive with why questions, you reduce their status even further. However, when you invite the other person to do something that can help you understand, then you re-elevate their position by making them feel helpful and valued. From there, you can continue the conversation as equals, even if it is still a difficult discussion.

Words have power, so making small changes to the way you ask questions can radically transform your relationships.

One caveat to the question of “can you help me understand?”, especially when discussing diversity, difference, or identity, is to be thoughtful about what you are really asking from the other person. Be careful to not place the burden of explaining or educating you on someone else if you have not done any of the expected groundwork for that conversation first.

Rick Buccheri
Director of Programs

What You Can Do to Make Your Next Meeting More Effective

If you are responsible for an item on a meeting agenda, apply these simple criteria to make sure the time you are given is productive for everyone attending the meeting.

Do you want discussion?

NO:  If the answer is no, be sure to advise attendees right away that this part of the meeting is meant to be a presentation, not a discussion, otherwise they might be eager to offer input. It’s best to use a one-directional presentation format only when time is limited in the meeting, when there are many people attending the meeting, or when the people in the meeting are not likely to be significantly impacted by the information being presented. Otherwise, it may be useful to allow everyone time to discuss the topic.

YES:  If you know that the topic is one that people are eager to discuss, be sure to build ample time into the agenda. Let participants know that they will have the opportunity to discuss the topic openly and that any input is welcome.

Do you need to collect information from the meeting attendees?

NO:  If the answer is no, simply let attendees know that this particular portion of the meeting will be a presentation only.

YES:  If you need input from others in the meeting, let them know what kind of input you need (e.g. “It would be great if you could let me know what resources you have to contribute to this project?” or “Please share any input you have about how this change might affect your team.”)

Does a decision need to be made by the people attending the meeting?

NO:  If no decision needs to be made during the meeting or by those attending the meeting, let participants know who will make the decision and when they can expect an update informing them of the decision that was made.

YES:  If you do need participants to decide something during the meeting let them know as soon as possible, preferably when the meeting is announced, so they have time to prepare and conduct any necessary research or collection of information to inform their decision-making.  Clearly state what decision you are asking them to make and inform attendees of what process you will use to make the decision (e.g. majority rule or unanimous consent).

Rick Buccheri
Director of Programs