30 January, 2018
Reading not only expands your knowledge but can also stimulate the imagination, foster empathy, reduce stress and improve communication skills – all great benefits for anyone engaging in conflict conversations. What books are you planning to read this year and why? Here are some books our team has on their 2018 reading list…
Dianne
The Conflict Paradox: Seven Dilemmas at the Core of Disputes by Bernard Mayer. This book reframes seven common dilemmas in conflict resolution from “either/or” to “both/and”. I am reading this book to deepen my understanding of how to recognize what is happening for parties in mediation. It also seems to be a good follow-on to Bernie’s earlier books – The Dynamics of Conflict and Beyond Neutrality – that encourage conflict engagement.
Bridging Troubled Waters: Conflict Resolution From the Heart by Michelle LeBaron. Having first read this book when it was published in 2002, I realize now more than I did then, the need for more nuanced approaches to conflict resolution. This book appeals to the intuitive and versatile side of my problem-solving brain.
Designing Your Life by Bill Burnette and Dave Evans. This book has a following among innovators. It’s language and model may be helpful for understanding some of my coaching clients better and provide me with tools that will appeal to them.
Rick
The Conflict Paradox: Seven Dilemmas at the Core of Disputes by Bernard Mayer. Mayer is a pioneer in the field of conflict resolution. My copy of his earlier book, The Dynamics of Conflict, has post-it notes sticking out of it, and yellow highlights throughout. I learn something new every time I reread it. Our President, Dianne Lipsey, recently recommended The Conflict Paradox. It was already on my reading list, but with Dianne’s recommendation, has been moved up the list.
Power: A User’s Guide by Julie Diamond. A friend forwarded a Youtube video of Diamond discussing power and I was immediately interested. I’ve read other books on the topic, such as The 48 Laws of Power, that present strategies to manipulate others and gain power by taking down the people around you. Diamond speaks about increasing personal power in a way that could empower the people around you. That is much more aligned with my overall philosophy on life, and I look forward to a deeper dive into the topic.
Cultures & Organizations: Software of the Mind by Geert Hofstede, Gert Jan Hofstede, and Michael Minkov. Although, I have read a long list of books about organizational culture, I have never tackled this book from beginning to end. Geert Hofstede has informed my work as a consultant for years, and I am excited to discover how much I have yet to learn from him.
Shayne
Healing the Heart of Conflict: Eight Crucial Steps to Making Peace with Yourself and With Others by Marc Gopin. My instinctive approach to conflict is informed by analytical thinking and problem-solving – it’s just the way my brain works – but conflict is not always logical and data often doesn’t address emotions, perceived intentions, and trust. We are all capable of learning new behaviors to expand beyond our natural tendencies. In that spirit, I’m looking forward to reading Dr. Gopin’s approach to dealing with emotions in conflict, especially his emphasis on self-awareness as I firmly believe that our own response is the only response we can control.
Salt Houses by Hala Alyan. A novel about the displacement of a Palestinian family in the wake of war. The story is told from the perspectives of multiple family members as they deal with the cost of war, the loss of “home” and the rebuilding of lives in other locations. Sometimes the path through conflict is the ability to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes and imagine situations beyond your own experience. I find that novels are an engaging way to practice this skill.
When Millennials Take Over: Preparing for the Ridiculously Optimistic Future of Business by Jamie Notter and Maddie Grant. Jamie and I both graduated from the Institute for Conflict Analysis and Resolution at George Mason University, though at different times, which is how I first learned of his work. Jamie and Maddie have a great perspective on organization culture in the social era and the generational issues that can arise. This book has been on my reading list since I read their previous collaboration entitled Humanize.
Hewi
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. This book has been on my list for years after listening to the author on Oprah. Ruiz discusses the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of our daily joy. Through the four agreements detailed in the book, you learn to replace your old toxic ways of thinking with the 4 agreements which help you experience a new type of freedom, true happiness and love.
The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy. All of our experiences, events, conditions and acts are the reactions of our subconscious mind from our thoughts. These are the inner assumptions that govern and guide our lives. According to Dr. Murphy, when we begin to control our thought process, we can apply the powers of our subconscious to any problem or difficulty. I look forward to delving deeper to apply this in my everyday life.
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates. Set in Baltimore and written as a letter to the author’s teenage son about the feelings, symbolism, and realities associated with being black in the United States. A timely book that was recommended by a friend.
25 January, 2018
To change the mind of other people you must be open to changing your own mind first. If others cannot observe that you are willing to change at all, they are going to hold onto their beliefs tighter. But changing your own mind doesn’t mean that you have to stop believing something, or that you have to believe only what the other person believes. To change your mind, you must expand your current belief to allow new possibilities to coexist.
Imagine that after working hard on a project, delays initiated by another department caused it to be late, and subsequently your portion of the project was rushed and the quality suffered.
During a meeting with your team, your boss publicly reprimanded you, saying that work of this quality is “unacceptable.” You might deny accountability and shift the blame to the other department.
However, if you can expand your belief to include other possibilities, you might find that you could have communicated the delay more effectively, could have worked on pieces of the project while waiting for the other department, could have supported the other department to speed up the process, or could have done any number of other things to avoid the delay and dips in quality.
By acknowledging these new possibilities, you now have a more comprehensive picture of what happened. Rather than forcing your boss to decide that you deserve all or none of the blame, they are more likely to accept the impact of the delay because it is now one of many possible contributors. Additionally, you might now feel more comfortable accepting some of the responsibility now that you’ve observed steps you could have taken to protect against the delay. And, you certainly have more choices about how to avoid the situation next time. The next time you find yourself fighting against someone else’s belief, expand your own beliefs first to make room for what they believe to be true.
24 January, 2018
I’m betting that most of us who work in conflict resolution, whether formally as a neutral or informally in our roles within our organizations, know well a certain sinking feeling. That is, when the people involved have had a good dialogue and worked hard to come together and yet seem to balk just when a resolution is in sight. The resolution is still redeemable in many cases but in others, that little hesitation can be like the thread which, once pulled, unravels the whole thing. So, what’s that about?
When the parties sit down to engage in a dialogue about their conflict, their behaviors tell a story about why they may have avoided or not resolved the conflict in the first place and what might make it hard for them to face real and viable solutions that they say they want. The root of these behaviors can often be:
• Doubt from past experience. Many times parties in conflict will express serious doubt that anything will or should be accomplished in mediation or dialogue because past experiences have eroded their trust. They might say… “He knows what’s been happening and always says he’ll do something, but he never does.” or “I gave her another day of telework because of her situation but I could never find her when I needed to.”
• Hesitancy or a lack of confidence. When the parties are not clear on what they want or have the right to ask for, their ability to trust the offer from the other party may be compromised. They might say… “This is my one shot. What if I make the wrong deal?” or “If I offer a reassignment, then everyone will want one.”
• Fear, anger or hurt. These emotions, so often present in disputes, affect how the parties engage and ultimately move toward resolution. Fearful parties may be hard to draw out. Anger often affects how well parties can hear and interpret what is being said and how they express their own stories and interests. Hurt from painful experiences can cause parties to filter, and sometimes distort, the dialogue through an outer defensive shell.
• Ineffective communication. Varying levels of communication skills may make it difficult for parties to engage in a mutual exchange, cause the parties to fall into habits of expressing emotions more than interests or curiosity, and aggravate their discomfort about the dialogue process and confidence in possible outcomes.
• Physical distress. Whether from the dispute, the stress of the dialogue process, or other factors, parties showing tensions in their faces or bodies can find it very difficult to engage with optimism. The tension can also be telegraphed to the other parties and affect the dynamic in the room.
The behaviors from the parties give us cues about what will be most important in their ability to fully engage and work toward a resolution. As conflict resolvers, there are many ways we can guide our process to meet the parties’ needs. Here are a few approaches commonly used in mediation:
• Setting a good tone and making clear how a dialogue will take place can lessen physical and psychological stressors. This might mean taking a little extra time in the beginning and conveying calm and competent authority over the process so that parties can put their trust in the conflict resolver.
• Using separate sessions and letting parties know they can request to meet in separate sessions. This can help parties feel more confident in their ability to explore and get help in expressing their concerns and needs.
• Recognizing the level of emotion and what it communicates about whether and how emotions must be acknowledged before parties can move on. This may also require more time in the mediation or dialogue and may mean that the parties circle back to cover previously-covered territory to build their confidence so they can let go of emotions that are blocking them.
As conflict resolvers our ability to recognize those behavioral cues from the parties holds the key to helping the parties engage in their conflict and come together around real and durable resolutions.
Dianne C. Lipsey
President
